Posts by coopsies

writer, sometimes comedian, sometimes radio personality, and shameless degenerate.

Walmart REALLY Wants You To Use Their Layaway Service

This holiday shopping season, a remarkable phenomenon is taking place: people using Walmart’s layaway service, likely for gifts for family and friends, are having their balances wiped out by celebrities and anonymous philanthropists! All over the country, hundreds of thousands of dollars are being paid out to the country’s largest retailer, giving free Christmases to consumers using the layaway desk as an alternative to credit cards. Tyler Perry, Kid Rock, and even the owner of the New Orleans Saints are getting in on the cheery action.

Quick everyone! Go put your holiday shopping on the Walmart layaway desk! Maybe a Secret Santa will pay it off for you!

Call me a Grinch (I am) or perhaps an anti-capitalist conspiracy theorist (also true), but I’m a little suspicious of all of this. Layaway is traditionally used as a way for poorer consumers that largely don’t have access to lines of credit to pay incrementally for larger purchases while having a minimal amount of interest run against them. It’s also not a bad strategy to keep larger gifts hidden from their recipients and a pretty decent way to ensure an expensive electronic or hot must-have toy doesn’t run out of stock before you’ve put away enough cash to go grab it. Trying to avoid last-minute shipping gouges or delays? Layaway!

The fee structures differ from store to store, as well as in different levels of predatory practice, but it’s largely not horrible to put things on layaway. My red flag here, and this is all pretty baseless, is whether or not Walmart or a PR company is orchestrating these payments and media reports to concentrate layaway business at a single retailer. It’s true that not a lot of stores offer layaway anymore and the option isn’t available at online shopping giants like Amazon without a credit check or membership, but it seems like a lot of “free advertising” once you calculate the sum total cost of these payouts. Is this a viral marketing strategy, or has a generous streak in the rich and/or famous struck this year?

I’m never going to poo-poo lower-income people getting free stuff, but it seems awfully convenient that entertainment staples of both white and black working class people (Kid Rock and Tyler Perry) are at the forefront of these stories. Don’t fit into those marketing demographics? Anonymous people are paying off stuff too! Perhaps this is all looking at a gift horse in the mouth anyway, and my bias towards advertising, holiday shopping, and capitalism in general is tainting what’s probably just corporate goodwill (what?) and the Good Thing of people who put a bunch of stuff on layaway getting it for free. Maybe I’m just too cynical.

GUEST POST: Briefly Uniting a Divided America in Somber Civility to Hollowly Eulogize and Mourn a Decrepit War Criminal – by Centrist Cathy

business photo 2014

Seriously, give it a rest. This isn’t the time for a nuanced and factual analysis of the man’s role in the illegal deaths of thousands of people.

America’s longest-living President, George Herbert-Walker Bush, passed away in Texas last night. It’s been a rough year for elder statesmen in this great nation, the American people are only just now finishing glossing over the casualized racism of John McCain’s bloodthirsty foreign policy and putting to the back of their minds his airborne strafing runs against innocent Vietnamese civilians as a volunteer Navy pilot fail-son. In these trying times, with all the mean tweets, blatant cronyism, and the backbiting, the passing of the senior Bush so soon after losing McCain feels like the passing of an American generation, one that more adequately and eloquently hid its profoundly disturbing contempt for humanity and heinous crimes in the Global South behind a veil of need-to-know National Security and a veneer of unquestionably patriotic civil service.

In H.W’s day, one wouldn’t brazenly castrate an institution like the glad-handing White House Correspondent’s Dinner by banning all comedians, no, you’d invite your SNL impersonator Dana Carvey to the White House yourself, effectively co-opting and neutralizing an effective critical satire. Politicians these days might blatantly sell their influence to the highest bidder no matter the ethical cost or concern for their reputation because the sedated American public is largely one paycheck away from starving, but Bush lived in a simpler time when one could rely more on a media monopoly more effective at masking a candidate’s blue-blooded Nazi war profiteering family ties or admission in nepotistic, shadowy secret Ivy League college fraternities of silver-spoon wealthy rape-pigs with no ideology other than power and profit. Back then, we weren’t talking about shady real estate deals with adversarial dictatorships, we just looked away as one family bought up the largest state in the country to plunder the natural resources of with little to no concern about later environmental impacts and we were happier that way. Wouldn’t it be nice to get back there? That was a time in an America this “radical centrist” knew, loved, and was comfortable enough during to have an unquestioning blanket support for the ruling class’s status quo.

Radical leftists might use this time of grieving to highlight how Bush was instrumental in the Republican’s bigoted “Southern Strategy”, peeling off members of the John Birch Society and integrating them into the right-wing as he campaigned against Civil Rights at the inception of his political career in the early 1960s. They might bring up how he was a steadfast defender of Richard Nixon and helped steer the RNC away from imploding, ever being held accountable for their erosion of democratic institutions and helped cement it as an inter-generational white-collar criminal enterprise that has defenestrated America out of the Overton Window; where it is presently hurdling at terminal velocity to an undignified, likely brutal and cannibalistic death in which its flag will be as globally reviled as the swastika within the next half-century. Continue reading →

Golden Boy Promotions MMA Kicks Off Shamefully

Right off the bat, I want to go on record saying that I suspect Oscar De La Hoya is a cocaine addict, which might explain why tonight’s old-timers’ card in Inglewood, California featuring a grudge match main event between eight-years-retired Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell and 43-year-old Tito Ortiz was even happening in the first place. Besides being an obvious cash grab by a boxing promoter obviously tired of playing second fiddle to MMA cards as the sport fades in relevancy and recognition, there’s no other explanation to hold a PPV event for two fighters this far out of their prime years, especially when one has obvious CTE issues and is 48. This was like watching The Wrestler for just under five minutes. It’s something the California State Athletic Commission shouldn’t have even sanctioned.

To see one of the first breakthrough, household name stars of the UFC of yesteryear trotted out with abs toned by insulin shots and HGH, his trademark mohawk thinning in the front and trunks I’m sure were retrieved from a long-forgotten storage unit in the Inland Empire is depressing. Chuck Liddell helped turn MMA into the premiere combat sport internationally, and to watch him hardly recognize where he was during the weigh-ins only to briefly light up again once he heard his name called and got to make what is hopefully his last walk up to a ring is so unfathomably cruel. Maybe he needed the payday, pocketing more than $200,000 to fight Tito Ortiz, his arch-rival whom he beat twice in their heyday.

It was a bloodthirsty time for America, when Ortiz and Liddell’s seething hatred for each other helped drive PPV numbers towards the newly-legitimized UFC. Nu-metal and an aggressive, “kill ’em all” kind of patriotism helped color that whole era of fight sports and masculinity in the US and I think collectively we can agree that it’s a culture that’s aged poorly. Seeing that decay, some fifteen years later, in a first-round knockout that Liddell hardly looked present for is something that might stick with purist elements of the sport’s fanbase, people that have harped for years that this is a legitimate test of athletic skills and not a bloodsport. Continue reading →

John Allen Chau is a Stupid Asshole and I’m Glad He’s Dead

The internet, particularly in anti-religious corners, exploded with a level of smug schadenfreude likely unseen since a vegan lady died climbing Mt. Everest when American Christian missionary John Allen Chau was killed by Sentinelese tribespeople upon landing on their preserved and travel-prohibited island in an attempt to spread the good news sometime last week. Chau, who apparently spent three years planning the trip, believed he was answering a call from God to bring gifts and translate the Bible to the basically uncontacted island tribe, which has had an enforced 5-mile radius travel ban around their small island after the tribe killed two fishermen in 2006. After contracting fishermen to sail him to the island, he paddled in on a canoe, where he was ganked with arrows immediately, retreated and documented the experience, came back singing “worship songs”, had his canoe destroyed, swam back to the boat, returned AGAIN, and was at some point finished off and dragged away. Talk about not taking the hint. His body has not been recovered and several of the fishermen (who warned him not to go) have been detained in connection to the case.

Fuck this piece of shit.

Western media, particularly this article on CNN, have somewhat thoughtfully memorialized this Jesus freak idiot for his persistence, quoting faithful friends now calling him a “martyr” for the Christian faith and comparing him to fellow moron missionary Jim Elliot. Newsflash: you don’t get to be a martyr for your beliefs if those you’re attempting to impose them on can’t understand a fucking word you’re saying and are likely murdering you in complete self-defense after colonialism brought diseases they have no immunity for (for starters) and ingrained what’s obviously a healthy distrust of outsiders. This is an island rigorously protected for these exact reasons, you’ve sneaked in anyhow to recruit new book club members from, to put it mildly, an uninterested audience, and got murked after returning, WOUNDED, twice. I have no sympathy, take your Darwin Award you stupid, arrogant jackass. Continue reading →

GUEST POST: this is BULLSHIT, you can’t arrest me, somebody put something in that trash – by a raccoon

love too be SLANDERED and LIBELED as a rabid fucking animal by members of my own community that I have roamed around in for two-and-a-half years because someone APPARENTLY left out some fucking crabapples gone sour and me and Fred got caught stumbling around all disoriented. you call officers scarberry and withers instead of walk us back to the runoff drain on mason and let us sleep it off? what has happened in america. i haven’t felt this betrayed since reagan closed the state hospital for anorexic chicks.

what is the big deal anyway man. even if we did, and im not even saying we did, eat those prison wine apples on purpose, what fucking business is it of yours if fred and me wanna get a buzz going before the sun comes up after a long night’s work? oh yeah, work. you guys don’t even appreciate all the shit me and fred do and don’t act like this is the first time we’ve run into scarberry and withers. fuck those guys. but you pick up the phone every time you see some glowing eyes in the night and that’s bullshit. like rich people seeing black trick or treaters but year round. you’re all bitches. look at this shit we do for you.

  • keep your cats skinny by eating the food they didn’t even eat yet. do you want diabetes cats? fred and me tangled with a diabetic cat before. wrangle that grumpy motherfucker a couple times for his insulin shots and you’ll want your vet to be conrad murray. just doing you and mittens a favor.
  • sort your trash! how hard is it to put the plastics in a different bin? fred and me spend most nights just trying to reuse and recycle and maybe find a banana that you didn’t want to finish because it got bruised, and you scare us out of that side yard you let your dog take a shit in before we’re done. that’s why there’s trash all over the place in the morning. i was gonna put it back. in the bin where it was supposed to be. because you don’t know how to sort. fucking idiot.
  • literally form anti-coyote gangs to fight coyotes that want to eat your cats and dogs. do you know how many coyotes i have fought with my friends? you think we run away. straight up you don’t know shit about the night. never see you call scarberry and withers on coyotes OH WAIT because you never see them. because we fight them off or you’re too busy sleeping somehow lightly enough to hear me and fred going through your trash. man fuck you.
  • not even go through your dog door even though me and fred have poked our heads through and thought about it tbh. it’s a violation of neighborly trust, which is evidently not a two way fucking street.

the other thing that is lame as hell is how many of you are filming raccoons like me and fred a little tipsy and putting it online.

like it’s all fun and games and yeah, let’s have a laugh ha ha ha, he was scavenging for sustenance to survive another day on this hellish planet you’ve squandered the potential of and are rapidly running into the ground by killing of 60% of animal populations in like fifty years but whatever, yeah I’m the asshole. biodiversity who needs it. life is trash. you wonder why fred and me drink or eat prison wine fruits. that’s right. i know the smell. i eat those fruits anyway.

i will have the last laugh. scarberry and withers will boil alive, either in one of your nuclear holocausts or when the sun gets too hot and their brains bake after you can’t grow your trash food anymore. fred and me live in the sewers we will stay cool and venture out at night to eat your faces until equilibrium is restored across the biomes and then the raccoon gangs will form a real society. not like your trash society. where you hit me and fred with brooms because i’m in your garage trying to drink your WD-40.

the unabomber was right.

 

Longmont’s Village Idiot, Henry McNevin

Colorado is a “purple state”, so the myth goes, and every so often, our local media is forced to cover our state’s rube eccentrics, our “colorful” bootlickers, our Lost Cause Sons of the Confederacy racists and what their idiot views are despite time and demographic shifts rapidly diminishing any political capital any of these jackasses once had. The purple state is a myth, lip-service to slack-jawed bigots choosing to live out in the middle of nowhere playing farmer and pretending they’re the backbone of America as corporate agribusiness reduces their role in the economy to hobbyists spending their days riding a tractor they aren’t even allowed to fix themselves. They’re nothing but bumpkin cosplayers living off government subsidies while complaining about the “inner cities” that generate the revenue that enables them to live their “authentic, real American” lifestyle while they enjoy getting jerked off by district politicians that inflate their voting power due to gerrymandering, working as intended to keep the rest of the country held hostage by these backwards, salt-of-the-earth shitheads waiting around for fracking company to buy out their farm. When the skoal comes around to bite them in the ass with mouth cancer, I’ll dance on their graves and spit in the faces of their widows that didn’t nip their fascist talk radio habit in the bud forty years ago.

Henry McNevin, 84, of Longmont, CO (home to the World’s Largest Stickerball but slowly being taken over by craft breweries) is one such character. McNevin made the news last week in the midst of the Supreme Court confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh, putting a sign in his yard that said the judge had been gang-raped by Democrats, riling up sane members of the town on Nextdoor. This isn’t the first time McNevin has generated controversy, two years ago he put up a grammatically-challenged sign directed towards Muslims before having to take it down after some local heroes allegedly threatened to demonstrate in front of his house and “destroy his property.” Direct action gets the goods, Longmont.

McNevin is a waste of flesh and a hatemonger, spending his twilight years pissing people off through A-Frames because his way of life is essentially pointless in the modern era, his views abhorrent in a time when his neighbors and the rest of us wait out his generation’s death in a hope it isn’t too late to reverse course and move towards social progress. He’s an old troll, throwing out baseless accusations to see his name in the paper in an effort to validate his relevancy, and the media falls for it because we live in a time of sensationalism that uses outrage to generate ad revenue. Hiding behind the shield of the First Amendment, this sad old man’s dying gasps about people he’s likely never met or the fellatio of powerful men that don’t give a rat’s ass about him are more pathetic examples of this country’s worst elements stating things they “can say” when the reality is they probably should keep it to themselves. Googling him yields nothing of substance apart from his signs, likely destined for the garbage dump or a re-purposing for another flash-in-the-pan political sentiment. He will be remembered for nothing but ignorance, racism, and hyperbole.

Unless we act now.

For between $300-$700, the community of Colorado could erect its own sign, with its own baseless accusation that Henry McNevin routinely drugs and forces livestock to have sex with him. I’m frankly tired of seeing the establishment left time and time again take the high road with morons that barely have the common courtesy to get their facts straight. That’s why I’m raising money to fund a billboard in the Denver Metro area in tribute to McNevin’s memory. Please donate today, to pay back Henry for being a shit neighbor that has subjected thousands of people to his trash opinions for years, and to make sure he’s remembered for more than just being a racist and a rape apologist, but also a horse cock connoisseur, a bovine blower, and a pig penetration enthusiast. Let’s let highway commuters everywhere know about Henry’s own assumed predilections, just like he loves to broadcast his views about Islam and Democrats gang-raping Supreme Court Justices.

Henry McNevin of Longmont, Colorado rapes farm animals. Donate Today.

Week 5 NFL Picks

NFL Record 7-8-3 -1.5U

Parlay Record 0-2 -2U

Scraping back! Pats covered on Thursday against Indy, Browns pushed, Broncos covered. My week was better, basically broke even. Let’s see if we can make some money this week. Unit bets are a little lower to play it safe, not that it matters to you.

WEEK 5 NFL PICKS

Denver Broncos @ NYJ -1 1U – This opened up at +2.5 for Denver, which I placed for a friend as a side bet after losing fantasy last week (KAMERAAAA!!!!), and I tailed it at -1 for Denver after the line movement during the week. I’m not really sure why even on the road, the Broncos weren’t heavy favorites against Bradford. There’s an understanding that Denver plays poorly on the east coast, but it’s the fucking New York Jets. As a Bronco homer, I want to say Keenum is overpaid and Vance Joseph’s days are numbered as head coach. They need to dispatch the Jets handily to buy some time on decisions related to those conclusions and after blowing a ten point lead and ruining the game winning play against KC, desperately need this road win to remain remotely optimistic about the rest of the season.

GB @ Detroit Lions +1 1U – I still don’t trust that Rodgers knee, even after last week’s domination against the abysmal Bills, and Detroit is at home. GB has the 7th ranked pass defense, which I expect the Lions to light up being that they’re not great on the rush. I like Tate and Marvin Jones Jr is still a WR people sleep on. This is the game I feel like is most likely not going my way, but I have some confidence in Stafford and crew wanting to prove a point in what’s being framed as a struggle this season between coach and team. Smart bet, Coops, bet on the team with a lot of internal strife.

OAK @ Los Angeles Chargers -5 1U – Fade the fucking Raiders all season. Vegas called in a favor in overtime last week against Mayfield and the Browns. That call was bullshit and everybody knows it. While a LA game for either the Rams or the Chargers is still basically a Raider home game, and LAC fucked me by not covering a foolish 10.5 line I bet on last Sunday against the crippled 49ers, I still think Rivers smells blood in the west, especially with KC being a bit exposed by Denver’s defense in week 4.

NYG @ Carolina Panthers -6.5 1U – I’m trying to swallow my second guessing that Carolina doesn’t cover this line, especially because my logic here is the Giants suck, Carolina is coming off of a bye week and they’re at home. I still think some of my theory about disasters influencing sports holds some water, pardon the pun, so perhaps the waterlogged and devastated Carolina shows up rinsed of coal ash and pig shit to show Big Blue that Florence didn’t cow them from rooting on an increasingly irrelevant Cam Newton. I miss Greg Olsen.

Parlay:

DET +1

LAC -5

CAR -6.5

1U to win 5.8U.