GUEST POST: this is BULLSHIT, you can’t arrest me, somebody put something in that trash – by a raccoon

love too be SLANDERED and LIBELED as a rabid fucking animal by members of my own community that I have roamed around in for two-and-a-half years because someone APPARENTLY left out some fucking crabapples gone sour and me and Fred got caught stumbling around all disoriented. you call officers scarberry and withers instead of walk us back to the runoff drain on mason and let us sleep it off? what has happened in america. i haven’t felt this betrayed since reagan closed the state hospital for anorexic chicks.

what is the big deal anyway man. even if we did, and im not even saying we did, eat those prison wine apples on purpose, what fucking business is it of yours if fred and me wanna get a buzz going before the sun comes up after a long night’s work? oh yeah, work. you guys don’t even appreciate all the shit me and fred do and don’t act like this is the first time we’ve run into scarberry and withers. fuck those guys. but you pick up the phone every time you see some glowing eyes in the night and that’s bullshit. like rich people seeing black trick or treaters but year round. you’re all bitches. look at this shit we do for you.

  • keep your cats skinny by eating the food they didn’t even eat yet. do you want diabetes cats? fred and me tangled with a diabetic cat before. wrangle that grumpy motherfucker a couple times for his insulin shots and you’ll want your vet to be conrad murray. just doing you and mittens a favor.
  • sort your trash! how hard is it to put the plastics in a different bin? fred and me spend most nights just trying to reuse and recycle and maybe find a banana that you didn’t want to finish because it got bruised, and you scare us out of that side yard you let your dog take a shit in before we’re done. that’s why there’s trash all over the place in the morning. i was gonna put it back. in the bin where it was supposed to be. because you don’t know how to sort. fucking idiot.
  • literally form anti-coyote gangs to fight coyotes that want to eat your cats and dogs. do you know how many coyotes i have fought with my friends? you think we run away. straight up you don’t know shit about the night. never see you call scarberry and withers on coyotes OH WAIT because you never see them. because we fight them off or you’re too busy sleeping somehow lightly enough to hear me and fred going through your trash. man fuck you.
  • not even go through your dog door even though me and fred have poked our heads through and thought about it tbh. it’s a violation of neighborly trust, which is evidently not a two way fucking street.

the other thing that is lame as hell is how many of you are filming raccoons like me and fred a little tipsy and putting it online.

like it’s all fun and games and yeah, let’s have a laugh ha ha ha, he was scavenging for sustenance to survive another day on this hellish planet you’ve squandered the potential of and are rapidly running into the ground by killing of 60% of animal populations in like fifty years but whatever, yeah I’m the asshole. biodiversity who needs it. life is trash. you wonder why fred and me drink or eat prison wine fruits. that’s right. i know the smell. i eat those fruits anyway.

i will have the last laugh. scarberry and withers will boil alive, either in one of your nuclear holocausts or when the sun gets too hot and their brains bake after you can’t grow your trash food anymore. fred and me live in the sewers we will stay cool and venture out at night to eat your faces until equilibrium is restored across the biomes and then the raccoon gangs will form a real society. not like your trash society. where you hit me and fred with brooms because i’m in your garage trying to drink your WD-40.

the unabomber was right.

 

Longmont’s Village Idiot, Henry McNevin

Colorado is a “purple state”, so the myth goes, and every so often, our local media is forced to cover our state’s rube eccentrics, our “colorful” bootlickers, our Lost Cause Sons of the Confederacy racists and what their idiot views are despite time and demographic shifts rapidly diminishing any political capital any of these jackasses once had. The purple state is a myth, lip-service to slack-jawed bigots choosing to live out in the middle of nowhere playing farmer and pretending they’re the backbone of America as corporate agribusiness reduces their role in the economy to hobbyists spending their days riding a tractor they aren’t even allowed to fix themselves. They’re nothing but bumpkin cosplayers living off government subsidies while complaining about the “inner cities” that generate the revenue that enables them to live their “authentic, real American” lifestyle while they enjoy getting jerked off by district politicians that inflate their voting power due to gerrymandering, working as intended to keep the rest of the country held hostage by these backwards, salt-of-the-earth shitheads waiting around for fracking company to buy out their farm. When the skoal comes around to bite them in the ass with mouth cancer, I’ll dance on their graves and spit in the faces of their widows that didn’t nip their fascist talk radio habit in the bud forty years ago.

Henry McNevin, 84, of Longmont, CO (home to the World’s Largest Stickerball but slowly being taken over by craft breweries) is one such character. McNevin made the news last week in the midst of the Supreme Court confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh, putting a sign in his yard that said the judge had been gang-raped by Democrats, riling up sane members of the town on Nextdoor. This isn’t the first time McNevin has generated controversy, two years ago he put up a grammatically-challenged sign directed towards Muslims before having to take it down after some local heroes allegedly threatened to demonstrate in front of his house and “destroy his property.” Direct action gets the goods, Longmont.

McNevin is a waste of flesh and a hatemonger, spending his twilight years pissing people off through A-Frames because his way of life is essentially pointless in the modern era, his views abhorrent in a time when his neighbors and the rest of us wait out his generation’s death in a hope it isn’t too late to reverse course and move towards social progress. He’s an old troll, throwing out baseless accusations to see his name in the paper in an effort to validate his relevancy, and the media falls for it because we live in a time of sensationalism that uses outrage to generate ad revenue. Hiding behind the shield of the First Amendment, this sad old man’s dying gasps about people he’s likely never met or the fellatio of powerful men that don’t give a rat’s ass about him are more pathetic examples of this country’s worst elements stating things they “can say” when the reality is they probably should keep it to themselves. Googling him yields nothing of substance apart from his signs, likely destined for the garbage dump or a re-purposing for another flash-in-the-pan political sentiment. He will be remembered for nothing but ignorance, racism, and hyperbole.

Unless we act now.

For between $300-$700, the community of Colorado could erect its own sign, with its own baseless accusation that Henry McNevin routinely drugs and forces livestock to have sex with him. I’m frankly tired of seeing the establishment left time and time again take the high road with morons that barely have the common courtesy to get their facts straight. That’s why I’m raising money to fund a billboard in the Denver Metro area in tribute to McNevin’s memory. Please donate today, to pay back Henry for being a shit neighbor that has subjected thousands of people to his trash opinions for years, and to make sure he’s remembered for more than just being a racist and a rape apologist, but also a horse cock connoisseur, a bovine blower, and a pig penetration enthusiast. Let’s let highway commuters everywhere know about Henry’s own assumed predilections, just like he loves to broadcast his views about Islam and Democrats gang-raping Supreme Court Justices.

Henry McNevin of Longmont, Colorado rapes farm animals. Donate Today.

Week 5 NFL Picks

NFL Record 7-8-3 -1.5U

Parlay Record 0-2 -2U

Scraping back! Pats covered on Thursday against Indy, Browns pushed, Broncos covered. My week was better, basically broke even. Let’s see if we can make some money this week. Unit bets are a little lower to play it safe, not that it matters to you.

WEEK 5 NFL PICKS

Denver Broncos @ NYJ -1 1U – This opened up at +2.5 for Denver, which I placed for a friend as a side bet after losing fantasy last week (KAMERAAAA!!!!), and I tailed it at -1 for Denver after the line movement during the week. I’m not really sure why even on the road, the Broncos weren’t heavy favorites against Bradford. There’s an understanding that Denver plays poorly on the east coast, but it’s the fucking New York Jets. As a Bronco homer, I want to say Keenum is overpaid and Vance Joseph’s days are numbered as head coach. They need to dispatch the Jets handily to buy some time on decisions related to those conclusions and after blowing a ten point lead and ruining the game winning play against KC, desperately need this road win to remain remotely optimistic about the rest of the season.

GB @ Detroit Lions +1 1U – I still don’t trust that Rodgers knee, even after last week’s domination against the abysmal Bills, and Detroit is at home. GB has the 7th ranked pass defense, which I expect the Lions to light up being that they’re not great on the rush. I like Tate and Marvin Jones Jr is still a WR people sleep on. This is the game I feel like is most likely not going my way, but I have some confidence in Stafford and crew wanting to prove a point in what’s being framed as a struggle this season between coach and team. Smart bet, Coops, bet on the team with a lot of internal strife.

OAK @ Los Angeles Chargers -5 1U – Fade the fucking Raiders all season. Vegas called in a favor in overtime last week against Mayfield and the Browns. That call was bullshit and everybody knows it. While a LA game for either the Rams or the Chargers is still basically a Raider home game, and LAC fucked me by not covering a foolish 10.5 line I bet on last Sunday against the crippled 49ers, I still think Rivers smells blood in the west, especially with KC being a bit exposed by Denver’s defense in week 4.

NYG @ Carolina Panthers -6.5 1U – I’m trying to swallow my second guessing that Carolina doesn’t cover this line, especially because my logic here is the Giants suck, Carolina is coming off of a bye week and they’re at home. I still think some of my theory about disasters influencing sports holds some water, pardon the pun, so perhaps the waterlogged and devastated Carolina shows up rinsed of coal ash and pig shit to show Big Blue that Florence didn’t cow them from rooting on an increasingly irrelevant Cam Newton. I miss Greg Olsen.

Parlay:

DET +1

LAC -5

CAR -6.5

1U to win 5.8U.

The Cowboy Game is Going to Ruin My Life

The beta for Westworld comes out October 26th and I know I’m with a lot of people when I say I’m probably breaking my traditional, consumer-protection embargo and preordering it. Red Dead Redemption 2 will end marriages, but unlike Fornite’s divorce rate, will break up families with nuance, depth of character, and an immersive world to savor and drink in, rather than feed the most base serotonin reuptake addictions known to humankind. There’s no slot machine mechanics tricking your brain’s reward systems to get your dick hard over a rudimentary dance replicated at middle school dances across the country, no, in RDR2, you can play fucking dominoes. 

I’ve deliberately limited my exposure to gameplay demos and trailers exclusively released by Rockstar, the famed developer responsible for the Grand Theft Auto series. This, to me, is a sign of growing maturity. Years ago, between the delays in the game’s production and the long development cycle, I would’ve been driven mad in anticipation. Scouring the rumormongerers, looking for any morsel of information I could chew on like pemmican or hardtack to briefly satiate my desire for the game to just be here already, even this last month would’ve been an agonizing, slow going process I’d barely come out the other end of. I guess I just don’t await releases like I used to, even from Rockstar. I once took a week off of work for GTA IV.

That might make this all the more sweet, like when Stranger Things came out of nowhere or John Wick turned out to be good. I understand it’s a prequel and my lack of time with some YouTube nerd the studio let in to give it a test drive means every vista should elicit a gasp out of me, those first few hours of finding my bearings and learning the ins-and-outs will be a magical experience. That’s exciting to me, and I’m hoping worth how absentmindedly I’ve treated the hype period of a game that is sure to rob me of countless hours of my life and destroy relationships I have with people until well after New Years.

This shit looks so dope. I can kill a deer and strap it to my horse, who I am now actively cultivating a lifelong friendship with and groom regularly to increase its trust in me during a mounted gunfight. I can fucking widow a lady and her child will grow up with my face forever etched in the revenge cortex of his own mind. I can make sure my gang has the supplies it needs to rough it in the woods while we plan our next train heist. Check it out, it’s some dude on the trail! I’m going to wave at him, because I’m friendly as hell. Oh, there’s some guy who doesn’t want to get with the program, better pistol whip him like I’m Ray Liotta and then threaten anyone who is going to alert the authorities. If the point of video games is to let you live vicariously in a world where you don’t have to suffer the consequences of your True Self, RDR2 is taking that premise to the next level and pushing the limitations off of a lovingly sculpted digital cliff.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN PADDLE A CANOE AND GO FISHING?! Look at the lighting. Loan sharking and extortion rackets? Look at Arthur, the character you play, walking through that snow with his horse. That’s no white floor texture with some token footprints and a crunch .WAV looped over it, he’s straight up trudging through that pass to Alfonso’s Pancake Breakfast, do you understand me? I have to bathe? If I spend enough time in the wilderness, Arthur grows a goddamn beard and people in town are like “ahhh shit we don’t even know what Vietnam is but look at that thousand yard stare on the guy playing Hold ‘Em, he’s a dangerous motherfucker.” Check out the camera options: you switch to cinematic when you’re traversing long distances so you can exclaim “this is God’s country right here” as wildlife frolics through a meadow around you, third person so you can admire your bitchin’ duster and repeater rifle strapped to your back as you saunter through town looking for the guy you broke the arm of six months earlier, or first person when you just need to dial in the close-quarters combat of a home invasion done in the dilapidated log cabin of a horse thief. Read that back to me, that sounds so sick.

I’m employed. It’s football season. I have shit to do, I go out of town at least once a month. I can’t have this. Having the ability to don a black mask and rob old timey banks like I’m Butch Cassidy and then figure out which rock outcropping is a safe place to cook a stew and lay my head is so much wish fulfillment at once there’s Morricone music swelling in my chest. Do you understand how many monocles I’m going to slap off of people’s faces? Is that an achievement? I’ve wanted to be chased by bounty hunters for my entire life. In RDR2, they’ll run me down like a dog, and then if I manage to slip away, I might not be let into the saloon to wash some relief down my head because I didn’t change out of my muddy clothes. That’s immersion. That’s flourish. That’s a what-in-tarnation Rockstar game eight years in the making.

I feel like a wait that hadn’t initially registered with me just got a whole lot longer.

GUEST POST: Why is Everyone Making Such a Big Deal About Me Smoking a Cigarette in the Bathroom of This Greyhound Bus? – by Aging Female Meth Addict Smoking a Cigarette in the Bathroom of This Greyhound Bus

heres-what-this-woman-looked-like-at-the-peak-of-her-meth-addiction-now-look-at-her-photos-promo-image

You guys are being fuckin’ drama queens.

What? Yeah?! What? I’m in here! It’s occupied. Alright, alright. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. No, I wasn’t smoking. Well, ok. Alright. I was smoking. I’m sorry. I had the door closed, I don’t see why you’re freaking out. There’s a fuckin’ vent. This bathroom smells like piss, man!

Oh, stop. The whole bus does not smell like a Marlboro Red. What do you mean we can’t just air it out a little? The windows don’t open? I’ve been on this bus for two and half days and haven’t even realized that. Are you serious? Why is everyone looking at me?

Listen, I thought you were going to stop in Idaho Springs, and then you didn’t. Then, I thought we’d get at least a quick luggage loading break in Vail, but it didn’t happen. Do you really expect me to go three hours out of Denver without a heater? It’s like another 45 minutes to Glenwood, maybe 90 if this Dominican hits traffic. What? He looks Dominican! Racist? I bet you think everyone is fuckin’ racist. Can’t even call a spade a fuckin’ spade anymore.

I don’t remember anyone making this big of a deal when the guy dressed as Jack Sparrow in a nursing home spent an hour and a half loudly arguing with Vietnam Charlie over here about how medicine is a witchcraft perversion of God’s will and that the criminalization of marijuana is orchestrated by Satanists. This motherfucker is wearing a tri-corner hat yelling at Jesse “The Body” over here about fluoride in the water supply and nobody said shit. What? Who did? You? I musta nodded off. Little sorority bitch. Your tits won’t always look that good, sweetie. This is NOT a dye job, you little sorority bitch. I used to look like Geena Davis. White bitch. Cracker bitch. Fuck you! Let me tell you something, pirate boy, I coulda used some fluoride in the goddamn tap water. I don’t have any fuckin’ teeth left.

College ass bitch. Probably went to whore school you stupid whore bitch. Is that your boyfriend? That’s not his only beard, you dumb slut. You think you’re better than me? Rug muncher bitch.

I will sit down! Hold on. Let me get some shit straight. Quit calling me ‘meth lady’ alright? I’m 48 years old and I’m going to Riverside to an inpatient facility, alright? Anyone here been to the 909? I thought it was closer to LA, that’s why I’m wearing this Lakers sweatshirt from 1986 I found at a thrift store in Columbus. I’ve been clean seven weeks but Missouri is a fucking shithole run by rapist pigs that don’t give a rat’s ass if the dealers are out burning people with pipes over a little money owed. Yeah, whatever, Richard. Scar my left asscheek over $38. That’s gonna make it a lot easier for me to pay you back for that last bag. Didn’t you see that Clint Eastwood movie? Why don’t you just slash my face while you’re at it? Fuckin’ kid toucher. Fuckin’ horse fucker. Fuckin’…

Yeah he is! You don’t even know. You weren’t there. I had to leave. Court order.

What are you looking at, fag boy? With your fag hair. Who are you supposed to be, fuckin’ Jimmy Page? Is there vodka in that Red Bull you got? Are you watching football? What’s the score of the Rams game? Oh, they’re the night game? Alright. You’re alright. Where you goin’? Don’t ignore me! Faggot. I should hook you up with my homo son, you little queer. Doesn’t even call on my birthday. You like to party? I know he likes to party but he won’t even share with his own MAMA. Fuck Missouri. I’ve got more hairs on my chin than you, fag boy, what are you, a Puerto Rican? Half Pinoy? Fuckin’ bottom bitch. I quit takin’ it up the ass in 2005, what’s your fuckin’ excuse? Teresa Heinz lookin’ punk ass mark ass trick.

hqdefault

The orange line there means ‘locked’ you prick. Have some respect for privacy, alright?

So whatever, the bus smells like cigarettes. You used to be able to smoke on these fuckin’ things, one isn’t going to kill you, millennial pansy asses. Half this bus is Mexican anyway. I bet you can still smoke on the bus in Mexico. Greyhound policy? My ass. You can’t kick me off this bus, you fuckin’ Honduran. We’re in the middle of nowhere. The fuckin’ Donner Party died out here and my Trac-Phone doesn’t even get a signal. You want me to just live in a tree? Just squat in some bushes like a fuckin’ raccoon? What are you, Guatemalan? Are you just an effeminate black? What’s your fuckin’ deal?

Who said ‘she knows what effeminate means?’? I’ll kick the shit out of you, bitch. Drop me off at the next Taco Bell. That’s where you should work, you fuckin’ Panamanian. I can’t believe you’re kicking me off this bus. If I’m not in Riverside by Thursday they’re going to revoke my probation and I’ll have another warrant. Stranding me over a cigarette. I can’t believe this shit. Let’s work something out, come on El Salvador. That’s your name now. That’s what I’m calling you. Let me at least stay on until Grand Junction. Come on, man. Don’t stop. We’re on the fuckin’ highway, where’s even a ramp I can walk off this motherfucker? You fuckin’ Grenadian. Fuckin’ Heartbreak Ridge piece of shit.

Yeah, whatever, I’ll get a ride. Next time, I’m taking fuckin’ Amtrak. You just lost a customer. This is going on fuckin’ Facebook, you fuckin’ ni-… You fuckin’ Nicaraguan.

Week 4 NFL Picks

NFL Record 5-7-2  -3U

Parlay Record 0-1

Jesus Christ what a shitty couple of weeks. Vikings pushed Thursday. Here’s this week’s picks, because I’m consistent and show my losses. Let’s hopefully dig out of this hole. Unit bets have been a little higher, thus why my losses seem a little minimized. Still up overall on my account if this week clears.

WEEK 4 NFL PICKS

Cleveland Browns @ OAK +3 1U – Fade the shitty 0-3 Raiders even at home, Baker Mayfield is rookie Jesus and will feed off the negative energy of the Black Hole.

KC @ Denver Broncos +5 1U – WHEN WILL I LEARN. Denver 0-2-1 ATS but I think this is a trap I’m navigating correctly. +5 at home is pretty good, and the KC defense is absolutely shit. This is the Monday Night Football game and I always like the Broncos in primetime. Homer fucking idiot.

SF @ Los Angeles Chargers +10.5 1U – Jimmy G likely out for a year and Rivers smells blood in the West at “home.” Probably should’ve bought the point.

Parlayed all three at 1U for a gain of 5.61U on the hit.

 

Week 3 NFL Picks

This is for posterity. I’ve been sour all week because betting +3 Jets against the Tyrod Taylor Browns didn’t pan out on TNF when Baker Mayfield had to come in just before halftime, demonstrating he is in fact The Truth. Fucked my whole parlay up. Last weekend sucked too.

NFL Record +1U

4-4-1

Parlay

0-1

WEEK 3 NFL Picks

PIT @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers +1 1U – Buccs at home getting a point with redhot journeyman Fitzy against a wounded Big Ben? Probably a trap but I’m taking it.

Green Bay Packers @ WASH -3 1U – It’s Green Bay. Rodgers has something to prove but is nursing a knee injury. I have Davonte Adams on my fantasy team. This made sense when I had a four-team parlay.

DAL @ Seattle Seahawks -1 1U – Can Seattle beat a completely floundering Cowboys by a point? Yes.

LATE EDIT: Denver Broncos @ BAL +6 3U – Hammering this even though the Broncos are 0-2 ATS. 6 points is ridiculous and Flacco has been struggling. Good luck to me.